Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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