Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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