dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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