just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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