3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Watching her eat just hurts me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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