apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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