two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
