I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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