so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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