There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize