My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
