I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
