While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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