What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
