the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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