we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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