there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
