I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
