I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
