i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
