This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
