i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
