You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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