Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The adults are the big ones right?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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