ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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