Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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