I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
