Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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