dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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