She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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