So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
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She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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