I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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