She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
