dude i'm inner monologue high
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
