Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
