Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
