We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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