So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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