Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
