the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.