i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."