Will you blow on my dice?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.