My room smells like vodka and shame
My nipple is on Facebook.
its not stalking. its research.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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