Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
