After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
