Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
