True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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