you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
