So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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