bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
