I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
