tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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