I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
