im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
