theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
