i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
