Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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