I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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