Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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