oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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